Monday, January 5, 2015

Trying to Get my Happy Back

Here I am, Again. Another New Year, Another try to Get It Right! (Sorry for all the Capitalizations, but I really Must!) It wasn't just the New Year. I don't believe in New Year resolutions. Generally I go through this ritual in September, my Birthday Month. However, today I became aware that a lovely woman out there is Living the Life I have wanted, and doing it well! I am consumed with envy. Nice envy. I don't begrudge her a thing, and am grateful to find I am inspired by this woman's many creations. But she is doing it. I am not. Waves of emotion poured over me as I read her blog entries. I tried to steer my ship, knowing there were the dangers of becoming snagged on the Negatives (No, I will Not list them) and sinking. It has taken many years to allow the negative emotions to just ride out the wave and calm themselves. If I give them undue attention, I may become swamped, and we don't want that! So, I continued skimming her blog, admiring the art, the pictures, the easy way with words and being glad for her. It was hard. There were real tears shed as I navigated the emotional roller coaster of my Despair. It does not do anyone any good to despair, and I try, really hard, to not subcome to the litany of negative descriptions of myself that I find just below the surface of my conscious. OMG! I thought I had dealt with these, soothed their hold on me, and put them to rest. That they have been lurking just out of sight, ready to pounce at the slightest provocation is unnerving. Now that they are unmasked, I realize they have been gathering strength, there in the darkness, out of sight. If I am truthful, I have felt this growing trend toward negativity for some time, but let it slide, because it Was out of sight.
The sudden appearance of these orderly rows of dark energies was startling! In the past, this intrusion would overwhelm me, pull me down, and I might be in that negative space for a time. Knowing I do Not want to go there, I try to just notice their appearance and let them march in their ordered rows, knowing they will be out of sight soon. This is much harder to do, since I am out of practice in the doing. I recognize so many of these dark soldiers, know many of them by name. I know better than to say the name, gritting my teeth and standing firm. "I will not give in, I will not give in," becomes my whispered mantra. The parade marches past, the tail end of it finally out of view. Tears fall from my eyes in gratitude that I escaped the deluge. My mind scrambles to find words and images to replace the vacuum created by this passing, and I turn to the blog, the art, the soothing, cheerful words of this woman I discovered today. Determined to see this through to a positive settlement, I begin by acknowledging her accomplishments. I follow links to see where it started, find delight in the descriptions of her journey and process. I know I would love this woman, would find her a friend if I ever encountered her in the flesh. Her followers are kindred spirits, and I finally rejoice in stumbling into such a gathering of Like Minds. The association of Like Minded Women has been scarse as hens teeth for many years. Too many! I want to jump in and be included in this warm friendship. All I have to do is to allow it. When I bookmark the link, I am filled with expectation, knowing I can find my way back here. Becoming part of the community will take longer. I leave that for another day. Finally, I resurrect my own blog, and write about my process. It is important to note these battles, these experiences that shape my life. Today was a Positive. An Affirmation that I am on My Path, and all is well with the world, for now.

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